Self-Reflecting...

I've done some reflecting since my last, rather blunt, post. Through your advice, and through the reading of your blogs, I've come to some realizations when it comes to entitlement, self-control, dedication, and prioritizing.

There is a girl that comes into our clinic (who shall remain nameless, but Rachel knows EXACTLY who I'm talking about). She's about my age, and is the definition of the word "entitlement". She always gripes and complains that we are taking her money, that the bills are expensive, that we should cut her a break, etc etc. I can't STAND her, because I frankly loathe anyone who feels as if services or goods should be handed to them on a silver platter. I want to retort, "Well stop collecting damn Chihuahuas like they're going out of style, get a JOB, and don't wave your freshly manicured nails around in my face while you are complaining about the bill. Oh, and the brand-new SUV certainly doesn't help your case with me." (Ah, I have fantasized about that moment for ages). At any rate, she feels "entitled" for free goods or services simply because she is a regular client. Her sense of deserving the privilege of receiving a product or service on the house isn't any more justified than me being entitled to fall off the wagon simply because I've had a stressful, hectic few weeks. A few of ya'll have been going through far more than I have, and you've held it together much better than I have.

Yes, it's been hectic the past few weeks, and I feel like my schedule is all out of control. I'm not the most OCD person in the world, but I'm very anal about certain things...my work schedule is one of them. While I'm a team player and I try to be as flexible as possible, I LIKE predictability and stability. I enjoy the fact that I can go to my favorite group fitness class at the same time every week, being able to make a lunch date with a friend, or schedule a doctor or hair appointment weeks in advance. Lately, this has not been the case. I work with a small crew and while there are some things I LOVE about it (the close-knittedness, camaraderie, the fact that I'm not just another number) there are some cons. If someone calls out, it's stressful, if two people call out, it's survival mode, if three people call out, we're screwed. One technician has had a mother in and out of the hospital, the other had to quit on a dime for the same exact reason. From one day to the next, I have no idea if I'm going to get a phone call to come in early, or if I'm going to have to work from open to close. (Having a key to the building has its perks and its annoyances). I feel like my little monotonous world has been turned upside-down. Working out is a great stress-reliever, but the irony is that I can't find time to go, and if I do, I really should be doing something else and that stresses me out! (Does that make any sense)? However, I STILL have control over what I put in my mouth and I can try to eat things that are quick and easy to prepare and of which I already know the points value. I STILL have the control to say "no" to foods that will undo all of my hard work. Having a crazy schedule does not justify eating horrible foods and derailing everything I've done. I have a feeling I've probably gained a couple of pounds back. My work situation is temporary, but my eating situation has to be a habit for life. I have invested too much time and effort to lose it all now.

In response to my last blog, I had a couple of friends ask me how bad I wanted this healthier "me" and why I wanted to lose weight. The truth is, I've wanted this for a long time, I've just lacked the discipline to change myself. I'm the type of person who goes after a goal with everything I have, with no shame or inhibitions, and then quickly runs out of steam. I'm the person at the beginning of a footrace that sprints right away, and then drops out further down the road huffing and puffing. I don't know how to pace myself. I become sick of seeing everyone around me eating what they please while I'm refraining. And at times, I want the food far more than I want the healthy bod. The reason why I want to lose weight can be found in my very first post. It used to be for more aesthetic reasons, but I started to see my health deteriorate, I've seen my mom and dad's life-long struggle with weight and didn't want that for myself 30 years down the road, and I realized that I've hardly been in any recent photos with my husband because of my poor self-image and therefore we have no tangible souvenirs of our last couple of years together.

Finally, in order to make it all work, I have to prioritize. Corletta recently wrote a blog on how her own priorities became all out of whack and it made me wake up. Fitness and health is important, but at the same time, this is a life-style change. I have to go about this in a way that is realistic and in a way that I can manage for the REST OF MY LIFE. I'm still learning the balance of that. So many times, I want the quick fix, and I figure if I go all out for a few months, I can reach my goal and then slack off. That isn't very pragmatic, though. There has to be a balance, and if the house is a wreck, my husband has barely seen me, the bathroom is half-way painted, the car is starting to develop a funky odor, I haven't returned phone calls from family and friends, my bills are on the verge of being overdue, my church attendance is sporadic, etc, etc, something HAS to give. There are going to be seasons where my life is hectic, and I can't get into this pattern of self-loathing and falling off the wagon just because I've run out of time to work out. God and family still come first, and I just need to try my very best to eat right and make it to the gym, but not let the important things slide and then beat myself up if I don't make it to the gym for a week. This is a LIFESTYLE change and LIFE happens from time to time.

Phew! I hope this didn't sound too random and crazy, but it seems to make sense to me. Thank you all for your support, and for helping me to reflect before becoming super-frustrated and dropping out (yet again). I've certainly done some reflecting and I've made some realizations because of it. If you've stuck with me through this epically long blog and are still reading this...thank you!!!