Putting it all out there...

For those of you who know me well, you know that I tend to wear my thoughts and emotions on my shirt-sleeve. I say what I think and I don't hold back. This is kind of awkward for me because I don't know how to "blog" and the content and purpose for this blog is one of the few topics I don't like to discuss-- and that is my weight. However, I am bound and determined THIS time around to lose the weight the slow and steady way and to keep it off. I figure if I put it all out there, perhaps I know that others will be watching and this will hold me accountable. I need accountability because I'm not the most self-disciplined person. :)

First, I'd like to give you a little FYI on my past struggles and how I've gotten to this point of desperation. I would also like to beg your pardon because I'm going to ramble a bit and probably have some major grammatical flaws.

I've never been "skinny", but I used to be smaller. Even at a size 4, I had some pudge going on in the stomach area. However, I was blessed with a metabolism that allowed me to eat whatever, with minimal effort required for burning it off. Then came college...the freshman 15 came and then left. Then I graduated, started a career and the weight crept up. I became engaged, rapidly lost the weight and then rapidly gained it back after the wedding. I have been married for 3 years and I've gained about 15 pounds for each year of marriage. I went from a mere 125 pounds at my wedding to a whopping 170 pounds. That may not seem like a whole lot, but for a person of my height (or lack thereof) it is a lot of weight. According to BMI scales I'm "obese". I know I'm thick, but I never thought of myself as "obese". When I think of obese people, I imagine the contestants on "The Biggest Loser" or one of those poor subjects on the news segments on obesity with their faces blurred for anonymity. I guess that's just my denial, but needless to say I was disgusted with the fact that I was considered "obese".

How did I get to that point, you wonder? First of all, my maiden name is Moye. I come from a heritage of God-fearing southern baptist women who know how to COOK. There is no such thing as "smart balance" or "whole grain pasta". My Grandma Moye makes legendary mashed potatoes with sour cream, mayonnaise, and REAL butter mixed in. I never really acquired a taste for "healthy" food. My dad and I enjoyed cooking together and eating out. (My mom--who is an amazing baker/cake decorator--is not the greatest cook, so I think I inherited the cooking genes from my dad's side of the family). I was also raised in a home where food was the center of all of life's emotions. A great report card or horse show preceded a trip to the local Sonic. A rough day could mean take out from our favorite Greek restaurant. My brother's homecomings were always celebrated with endless buckets of hot wings from "Wings and Ale" with beer to chase them down. Having a history where my emotions are tied to food (and I was raised to prepare the "down-home" cooking) is probably my greatest downfall.

Until recent years, I didn't have to work all that hard at weight loss. I had the 5 or 10 vanity pounds that I would always obsess over, but I was never "over weight." The past few years have been stressful as I've dived head-first into the real world. We all know how aging slows down metabolism as well as good old cortisol from stress. Couple that with the fact that I have a husband who LOVES my cooking and has the perfect build and lightning fast metabolism, and you have a recipe for waistline disaster. I've tried the diets like South beach and Adkins, but they aren't really realistic in a long term scenario. I had some success with Weight Watchers, but then I caught the flu, landed a job, was going to school, and bought a house all within a 2 month time span so you can believe I fell off of that wagon. That and the whole "life style" change mentality that goes along with dieting just frightens me. I don't really want to change, but I know I have to.

To conclude this audaciously long post, I'll share my reasons for needing to change. Of course, as cliche as it may be, it is about to be a new year, a new page, a new chapter to life. Weight loss is always on the minds of millions of women around the globe at this time of year--especially after the holiday feasting has commenced. It's a hot topic right now. So weight loss has been on my mind. Obviously, I want to look and feel better about myself. I also have more intrinsic motivation for wanting to shed the pounds. I have realized that the past 3 years of marriage to Brad have yielded very few pictures. I despise being in photos...as if I don't feel fat enough, I have to witness what I'd look like 10 pounds heavier. I often "untag" myself in face book photos. We have already made so many memories, moments that I have no tangible souvenir to look back on because I didn't want to see myself in the photograph. What kind of regrets am I going to have 20 years from now when I want to reminisce over old photos of our life together, only to find we have very few? Also, after three years of marriage, the topic of children has arised. We've always talked about being on the "five year plan" (that is no children until we've been married for about five years). Which means that if we want to have children in the not-so-distant future, I am NOT in shape to carry a baby. I don't know if I could forgive myself if I had a premature baby due to preclampsia or diabetes, only to find out that it could have been prevented if I were thinner. Not to mention, I don't want to lump another 30 pounds onto the junk I already have! I have terrible lower back pain as it is from injuries from my horseback riding days. I never really felt that toll until the pounds started to pile on. Just walking around a mall for half an hour, or doing simple house chores can make my back start to throb. And speaking of the mall, I want to enjoy shopping for clothes again, instead of being on the verge of tears every time I make a feeble attempt at finding flattering clothes.

So, this is my very first (albeit awkward and long-winded) blog! I promise I will try to make future entries more concise and to-the-point. I simply needed to get the background information out there first. I'm sure some before (and hopefully sooner-than-later progressing) photos will be posted for those who dare to look! I'll try not to make this blog a boring log of "this is what I ate, and how much". I would rather this be a place for me to spill my thoughts, feelings and reflections on my journey to a healthier me!