I'm about to get real, so get ready....I have something that I just need to confess and come clean with. I like to have my cake and eat it too...no seriously, I do.
I tend to get on these healthy eating kicks, but after awhile the motivation wears off, and it gets old. Lately, some old habits have been creeping back. Whenever I've been desperate to lose weight, I'll continue to eat junk food, but I won't eat an actual meal, except for dinner...mostly because by the end of the day, I'm starving and that's the meal where everybody is together. For instance, the other day I didn't eat breakfast, I nibbled on cookie pie off and on throughout the day, didn't eat lunch, and then had a steak dinner when I got home. I know everyone does this, but I do it all the time. I did it yesterday too... no breakfast, a slice of pound cake, a bite of a cookie, and then a big greasy burger, followed by a few handfuls of Reese's Pieces at the movies and a few handfuls of popcorn. Last week, we had a random birthday cake around the house (a result of the husband watching too much "Cake Boss" and I would starve myself and eat a slice of cake for lunch..that being the only thing until my puny dinner).
Needless to say, this is totally unhealthy. I don't know if this would be classified as an eating disorder (maybe it's a screwed up version of anorexia coupled with bulimia....I binge, but then I starve to offset the binge). I get headaches, feel weak, and I have no desire to go to the gym and find excuses as to why I can't go. It's certainly not conducive to weight loss either. I haven't gained, but I haven't lost...I've been the same exact weight for a month (I've also been doing this just about every day for a month, too). I did this in college...I'd usually skip breakfast, eat a bowl of Meatball-less spaghettios for lunch, and then eat an unhealthy and puny dinner, but then I'd go to Denny's at night and order a hot fudge brownie Sundae. I craved the junk, but didn't want to pay the price, so I'd starve myself in between. I have a relative who does this too, and didn't realize the magnitude of how it can be a lifelong habit until recently...here I was judging this relative, when I myself was doing it, too! I won't name any names, but if this person is reading this blog, they know who they are.
I've also used diet pills...not the Hydroxycut you get from Wal-Mart, but I'm talking hard-core stuff...one being Phentermine (remember the lawsuits and voluntary recall of Fen-Phen from the 80's/90's)? It's still being prescribed and I still have a lot of those pills leftover from a so-called "nutritionist"that I went to prior to my wedding...hence the dramatic weight loss that many family and friends witnessed. While it's intentions were good, it only enabled my unhealthy eating habits, while giving me the energy to be able to work out on top of everything else. They worked, but the price paid was insomnia, heart palpitations, dizziness, edginess, and possibly a screwed up metabolism. I pulled them back out in May, and that's how I knocked out 10 pounds...and all the old habits creeped back up with them.
I'm not writing this to draw attention to myself...I'm not even going to post this onto Facebook...this is for my subscribers only. I'm hoping that by coming clean with my eating disorder (and while it's not on the level that some people have battled with, I feel like it's a personal demon that I struggle with), I can move forward. The point is, I'm not sure how. I know the right thing to do, I just don't stick with it.
You know, I'm glad that you talked about it. So many 'thin' women I know 'live' for their desserts by starving themselves so they can earn the calories.
ReplyDeleteI think you've got the right idea, just keep working diligently. Success only turns into failure when you stop trying. Even when everyone else tells you it's too hard.
There is a saying "If you can't be honest with yourself, who can you be honest with?" I'm glad you put this out there, I've been guilty of some of it too (I swore off weight loss pills a couple of years ago-I don't like getting the jitters and I wasn't losing the weight I wanted to) and am working on it.
ReplyDeleteAnd truly admitting this (IMO) is a good step forward. None of us may be able to "completely" stop this behavior but it does make us (me) conscious of what we are doing and when.
Do not feel badly about yourself. You know most of my deep dark food history. I promise you there is nothing you've done that I haven't done with regards to weight loss/ eating problems.
ReplyDeleteIt's a very hard thing to try to overcome. That is why I sound like a crazy person on my blog half the time, because I'm constantly in a state of trying to fix it and I never quite know how.
You are not alone in this at all!!!
Well Jules, you KNOW my story. I too did the weight loss pills, "health" bars (that I thought 1 should get me through the day) excessive exercise...and all the other stuff that you know. If there is one bit of advice I can give you from my time on the "dark side" it is this, it truly is the dark deceptive side! Instead of taking care of your body for the only reason of being healthy, you decieve it and your mind. Make the decision that no matter what you look like, you are doing everything you know how to make yourself healthy!!! For me, that was letting go of some body image "goals" and unrealistic expectations. Am I bigger now then I EVER thought I would be? You bet!! But I am also much healthier! My hair is shiny, my throat doesn't have weird sores, my stomach is not in a constant state of denial, and best of all...my mind is at peace! You have to love you for you and let go of the "dream body"...b/c lets face it, our guys version of that is usually way off from what ours is. And I have seen how Brad looks at you, and I think he is pretty pleased :) Love you sis!!! I am always just a phone call away...keep up the good work, just cut out those crap pills!!
ReplyDeleteTime out...did I miss my Julie's b-day?!?!? I sure hope not. As for your post, I, too, have issues with food. Mine is a lot like bulimia, but I don't puke. There are times that I eat junk food until I feel yucky :( It's normally when I have been depriving myself or when I'm prideful about the weight I have lost. Thanks for admitting this Julie. I think that it says a lot about you and how much you want change. I will help you any way that I possibly can!!! I love you!!!!
ReplyDeleteI want to congratulate you for owning this and not hiding from it. Admitting that you don't have a good relationship with food is the first step in a very difficult process... I started all of this about 2 years ago. I see some old habits of mine in your post also so I can relate and I'm here to tell you that when you change your mind, you can change your actions. If you want to be better, fix it in your head first and then your feet will follow. You can do it, it will not be easy... there will be days that going back to "old Julie" will be much easier because you can block out everything but I hope you'll push through because when you come out on the other side you will be a different person and you will no longer be scared of the "old habits" creeping back in. You will of learned too much to let it get there and you will have such respect for your body that you will only treat it w/ kindness. Keep your head held high, you are not alone:)
ReplyDeleteI also have an award for you on my blog:)
http://liteandfit.blogspot.com/2010/07/i-got-award.html